My rusted old Toyota Corolla was thick with the sexy, sweaty aftermath of our weekend together.
He had flown from California to see me, so I was driving him back to the airport, down the Sea to Sky Highway, where I usually felt so inspired, alive, uplifted and aligned with my life, deep in my heart, my soul.
“It’s so beautiful, isn’t it?” I said, trying hard to make my familiar sensations come back.
“Yes you are,” he said, staring at me, a plain young woman, instead of at the rolling mountain, forest and ocean view tourists travelled from all corners of the world to see.
✋ 🛑 ✋ No really, my soul was telling me to stop!!!
Stop falling into yet another man, to feel secure in the physical world, instead of making things secure first myself.
A man I couldn’t ever feel too deep into, or feel sure about, until I resolved this capability wounding within myself.
—Except I didn’t KNOW this is what my soul was telling me!
I only knew that I sucked at surviving on my own in the physical world.
What I was really good at, was non-physical things, like helping people deal with their emotions, life when it gets overwhelming, and following their soul’s purpose no matter what, and I was pretty sure people didn’t get rich off of that.
So I leaned on powerful men who were so ready to offer to take care of me, because I had yet to experience making money in a way that convinced me I’d never have to worry about it again yet—not in any real way.
I was too busy worrying over how incapable at life I felt, and which men would take care of me for the rest of my life…which was me unknowingly shaking my attraction milkshake, bringing all those kinds of boys to my yard.
The ones I couldn’t even open up to in any significant way in the first place, because of what I could have only ever known now, in hindsight:
When we’re living deep in our capability wounds as women, we can’t even hear the river beneath the river.
That’s why I couldn’t feel those mountains, my on-any-other-day-soul-nourishing mountains, why my heart couldn’t connect in any deep ways with his: those wounds make us blind, tone-deaf at best, to what our true calling is, which is our true source of first our soul wealth—the only way we will ever truly feel secure and fulfilled in life,
and then, and then YES, the overflowing money in our bank account that reflects this inner, anchored-in security we’ve been in waiting our whole lives for.
In the meantime, we dance with this misaligned person or thing or situation, over and over and over again, as I did in that relationship (and ok maybe more before and after that one too 😂).
Our subconscious minds run our entire lives until we dive in and take conscious control over it —until then, its patterns play out, again and again, round and round, our whole lives, waiting for us to do something to bring them to the light of consciousness.