“You’re gonna love this,” I said to my bestie, while digging through my pile of magazines.
We were kicking it old-school on our landline phones, so I took a snap with my cellular, then texted it to her: a size 22 supermodel on the cover of People magazine. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
She was quiet, slicing, because if she showed herself to be one of them, how could we still be friends?
That silence lasted forever, as my heart filled with disappointment. Why did I expect her to celebrate fat acceptance, when nobody else was? Maybe I just needed to lower my expectations…
“Wow,” she said, right when I was about to blurt out an excuse to hang up.
“Wow?” I said, with a nervous giggle. “That’s it?”
“Well, what can I say, she doesn’t know what she’s doing to herself.”
I kept my cool, then hung up as soon as I could, keeping the rising fire of my rejection from bubbling out into our call. She wasn’t offending me, directly, after all.
—but it felt an attack on me. With my hand still on the cradle, I stared and stared at this woman, Tess, looking gorgeous, in a size no woman before her had dared to show up and brave a magazine cover for.
The gorgeous part? I was still working on that. I wanted to feel confident, giving absolutely zero f**cks, but what I wanted more than anything was to be seen. Like she was being seen, for who she was, by everyone.
I wanted to be seen. To be validated. To be loved for who I was, no matter what — by those who mattered to me, including my bestie, who couldn’t see how much weight I’d gained since she moved away and our friendship lived on the phone.
She doesn’t know what she’s doing to herself. She doesn’t know what she’s doing to herself. She doesn’t know what she’s doing to herself.
What does that even mean?
What did I need to know that I couldn’t yet see? Or was I really being shown that my bestie and I no longer vibrated at inner circle friendship status? Would I have to let her go?
All I knew, was that it felt awful. Like I was bad, like I should keep hiding. Like this friendship, my online friendships, maybe even my business connections, would be destroyed if they knew just how big I was.
That if I couldn’t be bold like Tess Holliday, then I couldn’t be anything at all. I’d just have to stay quiet. Keep hiding. Fade away into backgrounds. Invalid. Unseen. Erased.
It took me three years to heal through this, but I did. We’re still friends today. Because that thing I couldn’t see back then? Had nothing to do with my bestie at all.
She was entitled to her opinion, and she had expressed it with utmost respect.
It was my own inner demons shaking me up, necessarily so. To break up what was stopping me from seeing where I actually was hurting myself – with too much food. Lots and lots of numbing of my emotions, stifling my powerful intuition that was trying so hard to give me signals on the daily, about what was best for me, what would allow me to thrive.
What I know now is that loving myself by eating more food, or more comfort-type foods, was all I knew, and it was exactly where I needed to be, at exactly the right time.
Maybe it didn’t fit current societal “health” standards, but it was what I knew, what I needed to do at the time. Just like some slim people vape, drug, over-shop, over-sex, over-exercise, get violent, drink, starve themselves, or throw up after they eat, we just can’t see evidence of their ‘thing’ all over their body, like you could on mine.
Because while it’s true that what we see on the outside, is an exact reflection of what’s going on inside—I’m always becoming more, more, more of the truest, most vibrant version of me, that I was born to be.
It’s also true that how we look at the physical level, isn’t what ultimately matters.
As another of my favourite plus-sized women Chrissy Metz said: who you are and how you treat people, is everything.
That! That is what really matters. It mattered to me, as I mastered the art of accepting myself, my shadows, my so-called imperfections, as I expanded and kept on expanding into what was next for me. Tuning into how to:
❤️ Accept exactly where I was as more than good enough, no matter what anybody else had to say about it. (Go Tess! Go Chrissy!).
❤️ Listen for “what’s next” for me, according to my timing, my path of unfolding soul-led desires. Whatever that looked like—again, no matter what anybody else said or thought, even professionals like doctors.
❤️ Then act without hesitation on those marching orders direct for my soul.
Expanded physical body while I moved through this process, or not, it was my path. And I have learned how to own it.
I love me!
I invite you to love YOU too, no matter what.
PS. If you’re ready to transcend the worry over how you look, by tuning into your life purpose, then rolling up your sleeves to create your next version of success for yourself, my free training called “You Were Born For This” is ready for you! In it, I share my story about living first as a fashion model, then a 300 pound woman, plus all my weight variations in between since, and how I stayed on track for massive success the whole time = how you can too. I now show women how to do this for themselves, including generating $5k+ sales days in their online businesses on the regular, CLICK HERE to watch now or visit HEY5K.com