(THIS IS PART 2 IN THIS SERIES – CLICK HERE FOR PART 2)
Confusion Is The Worst
My main goal in this blog series on reactive abuse, is to clear the inevitable confusion that results from being connected to a toxic personality.
Confusion is what keeps women off centre, and out of their power.
When we are confused, we can’t see what’s really going on, or how we are being played.
We can’t even think straight, let alone make the best decision for ourselves in a grounded, decisive, calm, logical way.
Instead, we’re living in a state of confusion, with high levels of cognitive dissonance, because we know deep down that we are really meant to be moving through life radiantly alive, clear, focused, on purpose—like the Badass Rags to Riches Queens we were born to be.
Something inside of us tells us this connection isn’t right, but the constant drama and ensuing exhaustion, has us stuck in them, indefinitely—until we do the work to become aware, heal, and become a solid source of immunity against toxic people.
Guilt & Shame Trap Us Even More
I met a man on an online dating site many years ago who was a master at this reactive abuse dynamic. I fell in love fast, committed way too fast, then found myself living with the wreckage caused by his toxic trait of laying these reactive abuse traps before me, for years — not to mention the years it took to heal and recover, after I left.
It wasn’t until I could see how making my own shame and guilt caused by my reactive abuse—which was me acting out of my usual character— meant that there was something wrong with me.
I was making my normal reaction to abuse wrong, because I couldn’t see that it was a normal reaction. I only saw me being the opposite of a good girl, a good girlfriend, a good future “wife to be” and this poisoned my self-esteem for a long time.
Without this awareness, guilt and shame for our reactive abuse behaviour keeps us stuck in relationships like these. The toxic type counts on our negative self-identity to keep control and power of us, so we must clear this up, in order to be free.
The most important thing to clear, as Badass Rags to Riches women though, is how this affects our identity as a women.
When we feel like crap about ourselves, or start to take on the vile words these toxic men say to us on as the truth, which is what obliterates our self-esteem, and our belief in ourselves, then we put our vital health, including our emotional, mental, spiritual, physical and financial health, in danger.
Trying to show up as a powerful leader for the communities we lead, for example, while dealing with stuff like this behind the scenes, makes us feel like horrible, two-faced abusive human beings —and guess who will be right there to tell you just that?
Things toxic types regularly say to attack your self worth:
“You’re a terrible human being.”
“You’re a horrible human being.”
“What will the world would think when they find out what you’re really like?”
When we’re not aware of the agenda behind such shame-inducing statements, we will eventually be left with no community, no energy, no magnetism, and no self- esteem to show up as the leaders we were born to be.
—Stay tuned for Part 4 next, where I talk about how empaths can handle reactive abuse in an empowered way plus the “controversy” surrounding reactive abuse.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND IN A CRISIS SITUATION . . .
PLEASE NOTE THAT BECAUSE I AM A SOLO BUSINESS OWNER WHO DOES NOT OFFER 24 HOURS A DAY CRISIS OR EMERGENCY SUPPORT, I STILL WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU ARE *NEVER* ALONE AND I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH SUPPORT IS OUT THERE FOR YOU.
If you need urgent medical or psychiatric attention, need help in an emergency or are in crisis:
Visit your local emergency department, general hospital or call 911.
Call your local non-emergency police phone number and ask for victim services.
Google “domestic violence women shelter” for your area – they are open 24 hours and their staff is always ready to handle crisis phone calls.
Call a CRISIS HOTLINE – they are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week – there are always warm hearts there to hear you and talk to you. They *really* do help! Here is a list that I have researched for my area:
-Assaulted Women’s Helpline: 416 863-0511; Toll-free: 1 866 863-0511
-24 Hour Rape Crisis Line: Call 604-872-8212 for free, confidential, phone based crisis intervention, information, and referral.
-Women Against Violence Against Women (WAVAW) Rape Crisis Centre: Call 604-255-6344 or toll free 1-877-392-7583 for confidential, immediate, emotional support, information, referrals, and hospital accompaniment. Available 24 hours a day.